who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
