Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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