Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
