Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
