We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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