just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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