My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
