I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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