WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
