I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he puts the penis in happiness.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just want nice things and good sex
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
