Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Can Purell be used as lube?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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