K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
