Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
