Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
