Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
false alarm, still single
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
