ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
