New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
