I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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