If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
