Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
