My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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