in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
