I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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