Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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