You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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