i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
