Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
