I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
