The best revenge is premature balding
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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