you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
