so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
