Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
