I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
