i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
