textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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