i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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