He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
