so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
