All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
