I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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