Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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