I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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