Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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