Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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