I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
