Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
