I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
