Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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