God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
