dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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