I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
