I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
