Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I love having hate sex.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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