Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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