By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
