Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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