i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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