last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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