if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
