I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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