My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
