look no pants
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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