Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
